Monday, February 21, 2011

This is why feminists are angry all the time.

I was going to talk about classes, but a friend showed me this site and I have to talk about it. People like the ones posting on this site (except for the ones who are trolling, lawl) are the reason the world sucks. In my opinion, if there is a higher power who really makes everything happen for a reason, this is the cause of global warming.


The section on this site I ended up looking at is all about U.S.E., Unplanned Sexual Encounter, which these people (Baptists? I don't think they're representing that entire group. Just a really crazy part of it.) want to rename rape, so as to "remove the stigma associated with this sometimes unpleasant situation."


What? WHAT?!?
THEY HAVE A PROCEDURE FOR THIS?

No. NO. First off, you don't know for sure if you're pregnant.
The likelihood of becoming pregnant from a single act of unprotected sex (for example, from a one night stand) varies from person to person, and also depends on the stage of a woman's menstrual cycle. The probability is highest around the time of ovulation (when the egg is released), when, on average, up to one third of women will become pregnant from having sex once.
So, if you got that 30% chance, there's also the gender of the kid. Using a name that could go either way is dumb. That's just a stupid plan. And... a blessing?! You know, I believe that things happen, usually for a good reason, and that in the end everything works out, but I would never, ever, call this a blessing. (This site is VERY anti-abortion, if you haven't noticed yet.) My first thought after being assaulted is NOT going to be "Oh, I'm badly beaten up and will likely have severe emotional scarring resulting in an inability to trust men for a long time if ever again, but I've been blessed with A BABY HALLELUJAH." That makes everything better. Some things just suck, and the only part of it I would consider a blessing is if I'm able to become a stronger person because of it.


The repenting part? More no. Here's a definition of rape; any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person. Note the forced part? There is no way in heaven or hell I'm repenting for something I didn't want to do. Arguments about having non-spousal relations/premarital sex not being repent-worthy aside. I'm not apologizing for being a victim, and this is what the site's about; blaming the woman, and de-victimizing her.
If a woman has seduced the man in some way, however, then she is to blame.
That's an actual response to a troll (go him) asking: Ooh, so can I go out and USE someone who I find attractive? There's more.


Frank Lee, I done know how some of these harlots can claim with a strate face that ANY sexual activitiy was UNPLANNED when you look under their too-short skirts and find that they have shaved and carefully groomed there lady areas!
If you ask me and Jesus, those tramps are UP FOR ANYTHING! EVEN BLACK MEN!

Sigh. Baptists can't spell. Anyways. According to this (and subsequent posts, people actually agree with this guy), if I in any way look attractive to any man then he has the right to have intercourse with me despite what I want, because I was asking for it. Sorry I try to look nice occasionally... Two more things. grooming my "lady area" isn't a crime, and doesn't mean I'm planning on having sex whenever the opportunity presents itself. It just means there's a way I want it to be down there and I do that as a way of being female (or because it makes my hygiene easier to maintain). It's just like shaving legs, folks, except less people do it. It doesn't make me a tramp who's "up for anything." I don't think Jesus agrees with you. I'm going to even touch the racist comment... I think most rational people will agree that's terrible.



I propose that Senator Brownback introduce a bill to Congress stating that all menstrual blood be considered evidence of preemptive murder f a fetus. Only lactating women would be immune from prosecution.I propose that Senator Brownback introduce a bill to Congress stating that all menstrual blood be considered evidence of preemptive murder of a fetus. Only lactating women would be immune from prosecution under the new law.
In addition, feminine “filth” products (ie, maxi pads and tampons, but especially tampons because nothing should enter a woman except any man who wants to) would be removed from the stores, and anyone caught selling or distributing them would be arrested as an accomplice to the preemptive murder of a fetus.
Also, women would be required under law to register their uteruses with the government, and a distribution program would be established to ensure that no uterus goes without a fetus when a willing and able man is available to fulfill his patriotic and religious duty of impregnation.
Any “rape” that results in impregnation would be considered a citizen’s arrest of a woman who was shirking her childbearing responsibilities, and would be rewarded with the Purple Medal of Sperm.




Amen Kristine. The Bible says “Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to
uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness (Aunt Flow visiting).” (Leviticus 18:19 KJV)
“Every bed whereon she lieth all the days of her issue shall be unto her as the bed of her separation: and whatsoever she sitteth upon shall be unclean, as the uncleanness of her separation.” (Leviticus 15:26 KJV)
When Aunt Flow visits I just stay in the pool house until the Biblical time has passed. I will not submit my husband to my time of uncleanliness. During this week I don’t take any chances when it comes to my family. They can call me on my cell phone and I leave them casseroles in the freezer but I do not have phyiscal contact with any of them. I have my body trained so that by Saturday my visitor leaves and come Sunday I cam clean and can return to my family and church. PTL! 


One more thing I'm sick of. This thing where menstruation, and the female cycle is considered unclean. More dehumanizing of women. The menstrual cycle is completely natural, and a good indicator of how healthy a woman is (if she's regular then all is good in uterus-land). A woman is not unclean because her body is doing what it's made to do every month. When I'm on the rag I'm going to use whatever products I want so I can keep living my life. I can't miss five days of school or work every month because I'm preemptively murdering a fetus. No one can tell anyways, unless you don't shower or something. "Nothing should enter a woman except any man who wants to."?!?! What about what I want? Isn't that important? Are you saying, because I was born with the wrong parts, I have no rights? Grrrr.


It isn't my patriotic duty to constantly be pregnant all the time. Read the Constitution and Declaration of Independence, woman. Also if this law ever manages to happen I will find a way to be lactating all the time. This is my body, and I'm going to do with it as I please. That is my right, and I don't care what that bible says. This is why I hate religion. (sidenote: Brownshirts for Brownback and Linus made me giggle quite a bit in the comments. I'd be their friends.)


My main problem with this site (other than the fact that if I joined this discussion my credibility would be severely undermined because I'm not Christian) is the incredibly sexist view of women who have been the victim of rape. They are victims, not murderers and harlots because they don't want to keep a fetus that will be a constant reminder of a night that, among other things, can lead to all sorts of emotional trauma. Here's the thing. Say I get raped, by a black man because I was up for anything, right? There's no way I enjoyed that. I was probably threatened with a weapon, and my comfort wasn't a consideration in this event. I'm six times more likely to develop PSTD, and I'm four times more likely to contemplate suicide. Having a child whose father is the man who caused all this is going to just screw me up more. The kid will even look like him! And that hypothetical child wouldn't have a very nice home life because of that. If I'm really against abortion, I'd adopt it away then. I wouldn't be emotionally capable of rearing it.


The act of rape or sexual assault is not about sexual attraction, or lust. It is an act of power and domination. If I could pound this into everyone's head with a rusty spike I would. Really. Anyone who tells me to my face that any rape committed is the woman's fault, I will slap as hard as I can. If a woman is dressed attractively it doesn't mean she wants to have sex. The only time she wants to have sex is when she says so.


I mean rape is just such an unfair term to use against men. Women always use it as a crutch to be forgiven for their seductive ways, ummmm think Eve slutting all over poor Adam. Instead they should ask for forgiveness, and apologise to the man for enticing them and go to jail themselves. Men in general are not interested in nudity, or sins of the flesh, they simply want to father children, yet women want the sins of the flesh, they are insaitiable sex machines, constantly trying to tempt men away from the lord for their own burning desires.


First off, rape goes both ways. Men have been raped by women. It's not a crutch, it's saying "A crime has been committed against me and I want justice." And like hell men only want to father children. Why does porn exist, hmmm? People enjoy sex, not just because they want kids. Woman are not all sex machines, just like not all men are. It's a spectrum, as far as libido goes. Stop blaming the victim. *keyboard flail* Words cannot begin to describe how awful I think that line of thinking is.


I'm so mad, I think I became a feminist.


(Yes, I know this is from a while ago. I'm not really talking about the political part of this, just the fact that people think that rape is the woman's fault etc.)


Here's a palette cleanser. You can't walk around all day being mad.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day

Some people hate this holiday, and that bothers me. Not because I'm a huge proponent of "finding the one you love" and dating and all that, or think that your life is meaningless without a significant other. Being single is just as fulfilling as being in a relationship. (Actually, according to a professional I know, being single is probably healthier for women because they have a tendency to validate themselves through their relationships and that's the opposite of what you want to do.) Yes, having a love is really awesome because you get to share the great parts of your life with them and get laid regularly and all those good things, but not everybody needs to be in a relationship to have a happy, fulfilling life. (Also, not all relationships are good for you. In fact, in a majority of mine I probably would have been better off alone, or hanging out with poisonous snakes. I'm sure everyone will go through one of those at some point or has and understands what I'm getting at.)

Back to that Valentine's day thing, I started rambling. I know the arguments against it; it's a holiday for couples only, it's a holiday commemorating someone getting beheaded, it's a giant conspiracy by the corporations to make money off of the sheeple. Ok then.

Yes, beheadings are gross and only romantic if you think Romeo & Juliet is the greatest romance ever written. (It's a tragedy, guys. I don't find anything romantic about a guy killing himself because he thinks I'm dead, after knowing me for only three days. If I ever do something that crazy, slap me. Hard.) But, the reason for the beheading could be considered somewhat romantic. C'mon, rebelling against the system for love? Young love, even. Not bad. Anyways, Easter is about how Jesus rose from the dead and we hide eggs filled with candy for kids and tell them the Easter Bunny came last night and left those. That makes even less sense, guys, and I don't hear people complaining about that as much. (I do hear complaints.) It can be a really cute holiday, and it's an excuse to receive candy. (Or give candy if you're like me and enjoy doing that.) Don't look a gift chocolate in the box.

Valentine's day isn't for couples only. Seriously. My mom always gave me chocolate and a little gift like a pair of socks with hearts on them for that day. So I guess I grew up with a more positive view of it. For me, Valentine's Day is a great day to be with someone and do romantic things, but also a day to give your friends candy and funny cards. How is that not fun? Truly, the most fun I have had on Valentine's day had nothing to do with a boyfriend. They didn't give terribly romantic gifts. (Quick note to guys; stuffed animals are cute and all, but shouldn't be your fall-back for gifts. I've received at least a dozen of them from boyfriends, and I only liked two, because of the way they were given to me. One, a guy took me to build-a-bear and we made a leopard together, and the other I got after complaining to C. that I was cold sleeping at home and he told me my Christmas present would help keep me warm. In summary; I know I don't speak for every girl, but don't give them stuffed animals. Socks with hearts on them are preferable.) Last year, I put a couple pieces of candy into a bunch of mini takeout boxes with hearts on them, put a little note that said "Happy Valentine's Day," and gave them to all the girls in my hall. It was fun and didn't involve couples at all.

I think people complain it's corny? I don't know. But, whatever. Plenty of things are corny if you think about it, but that's ok. Doesn't mean it isn't worth doing. Or celebrating, in this case. I'm not saying every guy should buy flowers and chocolate for his ladylove and take her out to a romaaaantic candlelit dinner. If that works for you, fine, do it. However, it's nice to do something with a significant other. Yes, it will take a lot more than just giving me flowers on February 14th to make me feel truly loved, but it really is a nice thought. (And, screw it, I want to be treated like a girly girl for a day. I can't think of a reason to wear skirts that often in winter, and I'll take any excuse to dress up.)

I hear so many people saying "Every day should Valentine's Day." Yes, this shouldn't be the only day you show someone affection. That's a horrible way to go about relationships. But hey, doing the romantic thing can be hard for some people (believe me, I know), so it's nice to have a little instruction. And, yes, I like the idea of a day filled with red and hearts and flowers and chocolate. So sue me. The kind of "romance" Valentine's Day inspires is impractical to pursue every day anyways. If someone gave me chocolate, roses, and a card every day I'd get very, very sick of it.

So many people call this "Worldwide Shopping Day" with giant snorts of disgust. You're silly. Yes, the heart-shaped boxes of candy are really expensive and all the good cards cost $3.75. MAKE YOUR OWN CARD, DUH. It's a lot cheaper, and way more thoughtful. There are even free printouts on the internet. So you have no excuse if you're bad at making cards. Hell, write a love letter. Doubleplus romance points. I suck at cards, like, really bad. I manage somehow. Get regular chocolate, and origami a box together. Handmade stuff like that is adorable. Or if you suck at origami, Joann's and Michael's sells little wooden and cardboard boxes you can decorate. Even if you're awful at art you can just draw a heart and write "I love you" on it. Or "I loke you" if you're not quite at the L-word stage yet. Hand-made things are adorable.

I get the impression (feeling?) that people who condemn Valentine's Day are just uncomfortable celebrating it. I know people who view themselves as hopelessly single (well with that attitude you kinda are...) and plan on wallowing in self-pity that day. That's your choice, sure, and I'll admit I do enjoy watching a sappy movie and eating junk food every once in a while, but that seems so... unhealthy to me. Valentine's Day, to me, isn't just about Love-love. It's about the people you love, whether it's your family, friends, or the person you sit next to in that really boring class who somehow manages to make it bearable.

And, well, it's a good excuse to have sex.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Did you know?

If you have a Facebook, they somehow check out the other things you do on the internet (don't ask me how, but they do) and put ads in your sidebar based on that. They also do this based on whatever interests you put in your profile, but I assumed that. I found this out today, because Facebook has been advertising (in this order) gay-friendly colleges, engagement rings, wedding dresses, figure out what your baby will look like with this person photo sites, Jersey Shore stuff, and a musical about the Book of Mormon, among the usual things I might be interested in.

This is funny, see, because Facebook is taking my Googling of Jersey Shore (which I did to research a previous post) as my interest in it. Same with the Mormon stuff. I looked that up for research for an upcoming post (scared?). I would guess the wedding/baby stuff is because I'm currently in a relationship, and the gay-friendly things because in my "interested in" section I checked both genders. Whoever thought of this targeted advertising thing didn't think of people like me, who will Google anything under the sun. So far this week I've looked up Doc Martens, Malcolm Reynolds, boots, Simon Tam, hackysack, Book of Mormon, Kama Sutra, James May (that was C., actually), Mary Sue and "hasing kek." So have fun figuring out what kinds of things to advertise to me. (Another thing-I don't spend money on much, other than secondhand clothes, food, sewing stuff, and the occasional thing for a costume. So advertising to me is a futile gesture. I won't buy anything.)

I just set up a search history, I'm curious to see what I look up this week. This is also something to do while I finish up the next post I have planned. I'm collaborating with A. for this one, so it will take a little longer than usual. Also, it's supposed to snow tomorrow or something, and it's my birthday. So, I will be bouncing around because of the precipitation and contemplating how I will be different now that I'm 20. (Seriously, I can't teenage-angst anymore...)

Monday, January 31, 2011

Sokka time.


Inspired by this episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender. I still cannot believe no one else has done this.
I have not the skill to make an audio version of this, but that would make my life.

I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (just swing it)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (swing it real good)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth

Land in the swamp and get my swing on
Pay no attention to them vines cuz we chop ‘em up
And I ain't doin’ nothing wrong
So don't tell me nothing, I’m just tryin’ ta get out
So keep on swinging

So what’s up (yea)
And I'll be doing what I do
We turn our back
And swing our machete and just chop them up
Chop them up, chop them up, chop them up

Don't let those vines keep me in here
Keep my head up I know I'll be fine
Keep fighting until I get out
When I’m down and I feel like giving up I swing again

I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (just swing it)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (swing it real good)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (just swing it)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (swing it real good)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (just swing it)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (swing it real good)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth

I'ma get more meat in a little bit
Soon as I smell cooking I’m drooling over it
Whether its possum chicken, arctic hen I'm eating it
But can't none of them eat meat like I do
I catch it, I eat it all
Except saber-toothed moose cubs
I swing it real hard, real hard, I swing it real hard

Don't let vines keep me off my grind
Keep my head up I know I'll be fine
Keep fighting until I get there
When I’m down and I feel like giving up I think again

I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (just swing it)
I swing my machete back and forth

I swing my machete back and forth (swing it real good)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (just swing it)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (swing it real good)

I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (just swing it)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (swing it real good)

I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (ok, ok just swing it)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (swing it real good)
I swing my machete back and forth

All my ladies if you feel me
Come on do it do it swing your machete (swing your machete)
Don't matter if it’s sharp, dull (sharp, dull)
Do it do it swing your machete (swing your machete)

All my ladies if you feel me
Come on do it do it swing your machete (swing your machete)
Don't matter if it’s sharp, dull (sharp, dull)
Do it do it swing your machete (your machete, your machete)

I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (just swing my machete)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (swing it real good)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (just swing my machete)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (swing it real good)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (just swing my machete)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (swing it real good)

I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (just swing it)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (swing it real good)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (just swing it)
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth (swing it real good)

I swing my machete back and forth
I swing my machete back and forth
I swing...
Sokka out

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Dear Facebook Users,

Just a couple points I want to establish with you, so we can continue having our cyber-friendship in relative peace.


Ok, I understand someone died today (or recently) and you want to remember that person and let people know how important that person was to you. But please, don't make five different statuses over the course of the day (week?) saying some variation of "RIP this person who you don't know-because who the hell knows all of their friends on facebooks' family members by name?-I really loved him/her <3"


AGH.


I don't know who this person is, or the context. I can't tell if this is a recent death or you're just remembering the anniversary of a death, so I feel like I'd be a huge dick if I said anything about it. And I'm a dick for ignoring it. Facebook isn't the place to grieve. Honestly, after a certain point it looks like you're trying to get attention. Which, if you are, is a terrible thing to do. If you aren't, I don't think you're dealing with this properly. I don't really know much about the entire grieving process because only two of my family members have died in my lifetime and I wasn't incredibly close to either person, but I think being very public about it isn't the way to go. Because, wouldn't people be tip-toeing around you so as not to set you off? And then, when you've accepted your loved one's death and can handle it, they're used to treating you like that's a taboo subject? I thought being able to talk about some bad event in your life openly was a sign that you're over it now. You're doing it in the wrong order!


Also, (this isn't a complaint I'm just baffled) how do some people I'm friends with on Facebook make a new friend or two (or ten...) each day? I know I'm shy, but that sounds like a lot of people to meet. I hope it's not one of those "we go to the same high school/belong to some network together let's be friends even though I've never seen you before :DDD" It's just... strange. Am I just a social outcast or something? I met a lot of people throughout my Facebook usage, especially when I started attending college, but still some people scoff at how few friends I have. Well, at least I met all of them in person and trust them (well, most of them) not to cyberstalk me.


Yes, you're in a relationship and you're liking it. I'm happy for you, I really am. I don't get sickened seeing genuinely happy couples interacting. I may laugh a little at some of you, but hey, love is love and it makes the world go 'round just like duct tape holds it together (or molecular bonds or gravity or whatever if you believe in that silly science stuff). But for the love of preserving everyone's sanity, talk about something other than your lady love. Or man love. Whatever. It's cute when your status says "One whole year with Billie Jean it's been a great one baby :)" A little mushy for my sensibilities, but I'll accept that it's a matter of taste and doing that isn't really my style but it is yours. I do not want to see every other status pertaining to how your life is so awesome because of this magical person, oh you love her so, you need her. 


Stop complaining about being single, or how you'll never find "The One." Everyone's been single at some point in their lives, believe it or not, and it won't kill you. I was single for the first seventeen years of mine I managed to survive somehow. Stop throwing yourself a pity party and find something to enjoy about being single. (Seriously, it can be a lot of fun; have quality time with your friends and do crazy things with your appearance that a girl would leave you for doing. Hell, C. said if I ever had a faux-hawk he'd break up with me so that's one thing I'm doing if we break up.) The people who believe that being with a person is the key to happiness are especially irritating to me. That was me for part of high school. (A very small part. I learned the truth pretty fast.) I understand the thinking there. But. Agh. The guy who whines about how his life sucks and if only he had a girlfriend things would be so much better makes me want to smash my head into a wall. (Sorry, guys, but I observe this behavior more often in males it seems. Girls tend to just whine about their crappy ex or how all the cute boys are gay/unavailable. I wish I was joking.) Yes, you're lonely, I would be too in that situation. But please stop using your single status as an excuse for your life sucking. Besides, it's really unhealthy to depend upon having a relationship to be happy. Trust me, I've been there on both sides. It puts an unfair amount of pressure on the other person, and you don't end up being happy, just anxious all the time because your source of happiness could very well leave. Relationships-even marriage, unfortunately-aren't forever. Everyone knows in the back of their minds that it's more likely to end than have a happily ever after.


Don't obsessively comment on your ex's activities and statuses. It looks pretty pathetic, and all her (again, I mostly see guys doing this) friends are waiting for you to say something vaguely mean-spirited so they can pounce on you and tell you off for being an ass. I've been in this situation before, as both the ex and the friend waiting to pounce. You're annoying.


Stop telling me about your alcohol consumption. I don't care how drunk you are, unless you're puking in my shoes or otherwise damaging my property. I don't go to parties so I don't have to deal with this behavior, so keep it there.


I don't actually care that much about this, but I'd like it if you started spelling things correctly. I concede you have every right to spell things awfully, even in important emails because if you want to ruin your career or whatever thing you're emailing about that's your prerogative. But know that I will lose a little respect for you. Tastefully misspelled words? I'll accept. (Example: I see what you did thar.) But abbreviating as many words as you can into one or two letters grates against my sense of aesthetics.  Yes, I love good grammar and spelling. At least it's not a fetish. Punctuation and good grammar can enhance the meaning of a statement, and help so much with articulating. Use it!


Don't tell me every detail of your life. If I want to know, I'll ask. I like hearing about funny or interesting things that happen in your life, not what classes you have and when you're working. Or anything mundane about your pet. Congratulations, you have a dog, so do I. I don't care to hear about the wonders of owning one because, guess what? I have one. A good status involving a pet? Tell me about how Mittens is sleeping in the bathroom sink or doing something equally strange.


Stop making passive-aggressive statuses clearly directed at someone who you're mad at or who has "hurt" you. You're being immature and broadcasting that immaturity to the world. "Some people are such jerks sometimes." Isn't really that subtle a statement anyways. I don't know if I've actually seen that one, but I'm pretty sure it's happened. If you have a beef with someone, then confront that person or just get over it.


If you have funny, relevant statuses (you don't even need to be funny every time, as long as you're not moronic and terribly boring all the time; everyone has their off days), I like having you in my news feed. Even if we don't interact that much in real life, I'll consider you an alright person. Maybe a good person if you're especially funny.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Guess who wrote a book?

First, I'm not responsible for any emotional scarring that happens as a result of anything you learn about here. Read on at your own risk.

Snooki

She wrote a book. Not a memoir, or autobiography, which I would accept because I'm sure she has an interesting life. No, she wrote a FICTION. A story she made up. Guess what it's about? That's right. It's called "A Shore Thing" and it details the life of two young women partying it up on the shore (or whatever they call that area, I wouldn't know). Here's the summary:

It’s a summer to remember . . . at the Jersey Shore.
Giovanna “Gia” Spumanti and her cousin Isabella “Bella” Rizzoli are going to have the sexiest summer ever. While they couldn’t be more different—pint-size Gia is a carefree, outspoken party girl and Bella is a tall, slender athlete who always holds her tongue—for the next month they’re ready to pouf up their hair, put on their stilettos, and soak up all that Seaside Heights, New Jersey, has to offer: hot guidos, cool clubs, fried Oreos, and lots of tequila.
So far, Gia’s summer is on fire. Between nearly burning down their rented bungalow, inventing the popular “tan-tags” at the Tantastic Salon where she works, and rescuing a shark on the beach, she becomes a local celebrity overnight. Luckily, she meets the perfect guy to help her keep the flames under control. Firefighter Frank Rossi is exactly her type: big, tan, and Italian. But is he tough enough to handle Gia when things really heat up?
Bella is more than ready for some fun in the sun. Finally free of her bonehead ex-boyfriend, she left home in Brooklyn with one goal in mind: hooking up with a sexy gorilla for a no-strings-attached summer fling. In no time, she lands a job leading “Beat Up the Beat” dance classes at a local gym, and is scooped up by Beemer-driving, preppy Bender Newberry. Only problem: Bella can’t get her romantic and ripped boss Tony “Trouble” Troublino out of her head. He’s relationship material. Suddenly, Bella’s not sure what she wants.
The cousins soon realize that for every friend they make on the boardwalk, there are also rivals, slummers, and frenemies who will do anything to ruin their summer—and try their relationship. Before July ends, the bonds of family and friendship will be stretched to the breaking point. Will the haters prevail, or will Gia and Bella find love at the Shore?
For everyone who loves MTV’s hit reality show, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi’s sweet, funny, and sexy novel perfectly captures the heat, the energy, the fun, and the drama of Jersey Shore.*

 Not only does it look like something an amateur "writer" from middle school would write, it has someone named Bella in it. I actually have nothing against the name Bella, I just predict that she's a complete Mary Sue. The description certainly points to that. There are a couple things about this description that sadden and/or amuse me greatly. Other than, you know, my opinion that anything to do with that show will greatly reduce anyone's intelligence.

  • The cousins. They're different as can be. This is the most obvious setup to a main character conflict you can do, outside of making them siblings. Or, it's a ploy to attract more readers; party types and reserved people. Please, be original and realistic. Yes, opposites do attract sometimes, but for in most situations relationships (romantic, familial, platonic) happen and grow because of shared interests and traits. You don't have to only interact with clones of yourself, but you gotta have something in common. And I don't count family. That's just being forced to interact with someone. (Just most of us actually like our family.)
  • What are these "tan-tags"? Of course this is about tanning.
  • Italian is a type? I know, girls like European men, or guys are into Asian women. But, the Asian-women interest is usually considered creepy. In fact, guys having any preference about girls other than "decent-looking" seems to be considered creepy, from what I've observed. It should be just as creepy when girls do it. "Oh, your ancestors are from that place shaped like a shoe. That's so hot." I admit, I have a thing for New Zealand/British accents, but I realize that's a somewhat shallow preference, and belongs in the same part of my mind that wanted a guy who's really rich, or would give me a unicorn. And, it's not like this guy works for her affection! He's Italian, so he's got an in.
  • I didn't know gorilla was a term for hunk. Actually, according to UrbanDictionary, my highly accurate source for understanding pop culture, it is first defined as a derogatory term for a large black man, then a strange sex act, then a really buff, muscular person. I don't think it's a very flattering term, personally.
  • "Beat Up the Beat" dance classes, really? I understand this all about the Jersey Shore, but that's like having Harry Potter start a wizard-role-playing club. For Muggles. And calling it "Lumos" or "Expecto Patronum." Wow.
Beat up the beat: to fist pump, starting out by drum-rolling on the floor, working your way up to full on creeped out fist-pumping in a Jersey Shore club or bar with all your guido and guidette pals. Can only be done to house music while in a trashy outfit for girls, Ed Hardy clothing for guys, complete with a fake tan, and in girls' case, a Snooki-esque pouf or blonde and black extensions like JWoww's. Can be taken to the next level by fist-pumping while switching your legs back and forth to the beat.**
  • Who's trying to ruin their summer? Why do they care? Sure, Gia sounds annoying as hell with her "Oh, we're going to have a sexy summer, make our hair twice as big as it really is, drink lots, and have fried Oreos." but if I ran across her, I wouldn't try to ruin her summer, I'd stand back and watch the train wreck. A lot less work, just as much amusement, and no guilt afterwords. Jane Austen version: "Oh, Isabella, let us prepare for a wonderful evening in town. We shall shape our hair in the most popular pouf style, sup on the finest delicacies of tequila and deep-fried oreos, and find some handsome gentlemen to help us home in our impractical shoes."
  • What is a "frenemy" anyhow? According to UrbanDictionary, it's an enemy disguised as a friend. We had to make up a word for that. It sounds like this is also an easy way to set up some sort of conflict.
  • The alliterations. Firefighter Frank. Beemer-driving Bender. Tony "Trouble" Troublino (his last name even sounds kinda like 'trouble'). Troublino doesn't sound like a last name at all. I'm assuming it's supposed to be Italian, and I'll admit I'm a very white girl, but I took Italian. That doesn't like any Italian word I've ever seen. Be less obvious about how you thought of your names.
  • This is not a sexy novel. A sexy novel is a novel that I thoroughly enjoy reading and feel good about reading. Like, I dunno, Lolita (don't judge me, I know it's a creepy book but it's a good book), or Tale of Genji. If someone I knew read this (and thought it was legitimately good) I would run away screaming. Or point and laugh. This is not a sexy novel, this is something you read for instant gratification. Instant gratification isn't sexy; be honest about what you're getting from this book. If someone I knew read this and told me he/she read it expecting it to be bad, I wouldn't lose respect for that person.

Bottom line is, I want to read this book for the same reason I wanted to read Bedded By Her Lord. not to better my mind, but because it sounds hilariously awful. I'll most likely spend a couple hours in Borders so I don't have to spend money on this.

*Summary from the book description on Amazon.com. Check out this review. It pretty much sums everything up.
**Definition of "beat up the beat" found on Urbandictionary.com

Friday, January 7, 2011

I Whip My Hair Back And Forth.

Will Smith has a child, named Willow. Criticisms of his naming abilities aside, I wonder at his parenting abilities. When Willow was ten, she recorded this song. At eleven she made that video. I have a couple problems with this.

1.) The Lyrics

The lyrics. Yes, they're all about "don't let the haters hate, feel good about yourself and have a good time." But, she's ten. She's talking about turning her swag on, and keeping the party jumping. What ten year old thinks about that? (Or goes to parties that jump???) When I was ten all I cared about was the toe seams in socks, trying to convince my mom to get pizza for dinner, and my stuffed bunny. What's all this about self esteem? And those parties. I went to BIRTHDAY parties, and those don't jump unless the host has a trampoline in her back yard.

Age of the singer/writer (I haven't been able to figure out if she wrote this, or someone wrote it for her) aside, this isn't a well-written song. The beat is catchy, and it sounds good, but the lyrics are awful. In my opinion. I'm sure some disagree. I know that some stuff I dislike, other people find value or enjoyment in and such, but I very strongly believe that these lyrics are in no way good. Catchy, maybe, but not something one can derive deeper meaning from. Also, I think "swag" is ridiculous. (I just realized, this is like the uber-censored version of Kesha's Tik Tok. A little.)

2.) The Video

Don't get me wrong, the concept of the boring white room and adding color to it is pretty brilliant, this was filmed well and looks great and all. Willow (from what the internet tells me) was eleven when she shot this. She has so many things on her nails, and the way she's dressed. It doesn't scream "I'm a female with no morals", so she is dressed appropriately I'll admit, but I feel like she isn't really wearing typical eleven year old clothing. I guess I'm really old-fashioned for having this opinion, but isn't this a bit young to be doing all this? She's already a successful child actor. She would have a lot more freedom to sing about whatever the heck she wants to once she's older.

Conclusion: This song is catchy, but the lyrics are awful (even if Willow's age wasn't an issue).


There was also a video of a parrot dancing to it, but someone decided to be lame and claim a copyright.