Dear Facebook Users,

Just a couple points I want to establish with you, so we can continue having our cyber-friendship in relative peace.


Ok, I understand someone died today (or recently) and you want to remember that person and let people know how important that person was to you. But please, don't make five different statuses over the course of the day (week?) saying some variation of "RIP this person who you don't know-because who the hell knows all of their friends on facebooks' family members by name?-I really loved him/her <3"


AGH.


I don't know who this person is, or the context. I can't tell if this is a recent death or you're just remembering the anniversary of a death, so I feel like I'd be a huge dick if I said anything about it. And I'm a dick for ignoring it. Facebook isn't the place to grieve. Honestly, after a certain point it looks like you're trying to get attention. Which, if you are, is a terrible thing to do. If you aren't, I don't think you're dealing with this properly. I don't really know much about the entire grieving process because only two of my family members have died in my lifetime and I wasn't incredibly close to either person, but I think being very public about it isn't the way to go. Because, wouldn't people be tip-toeing around you so as not to set you off? And then, when you've accepted your loved one's death and can handle it, they're used to treating you like that's a taboo subject? I thought being able to talk about some bad event in your life openly was a sign that you're over it now. You're doing it in the wrong order!


Also, (this isn't a complaint I'm just baffled) how do some people I'm friends with on Facebook make a new friend or two (or ten...) each day? I know I'm shy, but that sounds like a lot of people to meet. I hope it's not one of those "we go to the same high school/belong to some network together let's be friends even though I've never seen you before :DDD" It's just... strange. Am I just a social outcast or something? I met a lot of people throughout my Facebook usage, especially when I started attending college, but still some people scoff at how few friends I have. Well, at least I met all of them in person and trust them (well, most of them) not to cyberstalk me.


Yes, you're in a relationship and you're liking it. I'm happy for you, I really am. I don't get sickened seeing genuinely happy couples interacting. I may laugh a little at some of you, but hey, love is love and it makes the world go 'round just like duct tape holds it together (or molecular bonds or gravity or whatever if you believe in that silly science stuff). But for the love of preserving everyone's sanity, talk about something other than your lady love. Or man love. Whatever. It's cute when your status says "One whole year with Billie Jean it's been a great one baby :)" A little mushy for my sensibilities, but I'll accept that it's a matter of taste and doing that isn't really my style but it is yours. I do not want to see every other status pertaining to how your life is so awesome because of this magical person, oh you love her so, you need her. 


Stop complaining about being single, or how you'll never find "The One." Everyone's been single at some point in their lives, believe it or not, and it won't kill you. I was single for the first seventeen years of mine I managed to survive somehow. Stop throwing yourself a pity party and find something to enjoy about being single. (Seriously, it can be a lot of fun; have quality time with your friends and do crazy things with your appearance that a girl would leave you for doing. Hell, C. said if I ever had a faux-hawk he'd break up with me so that's one thing I'm doing if we break up.) The people who believe that being with a person is the key to happiness are especially irritating to me. That was me for part of high school. (A very small part. I learned the truth pretty fast.) I understand the thinking there. But. Agh. The guy who whines about how his life sucks and if only he had a girlfriend things would be so much better makes me want to smash my head into a wall. (Sorry, guys, but I observe this behavior more often in males it seems. Girls tend to just whine about their crappy ex or how all the cute boys are gay/unavailable. I wish I was joking.) Yes, you're lonely, I would be too in that situation. But please stop using your single status as an excuse for your life sucking. Besides, it's really unhealthy to depend upon having a relationship to be happy. Trust me, I've been there on both sides. It puts an unfair amount of pressure on the other person, and you don't end up being happy, just anxious all the time because your source of happiness could very well leave. Relationships-even marriage, unfortunately-aren't forever. Everyone knows in the back of their minds that it's more likely to end than have a happily ever after.


Don't obsessively comment on your ex's activities and statuses. It looks pretty pathetic, and all her (again, I mostly see guys doing this) friends are waiting for you to say something vaguely mean-spirited so they can pounce on you and tell you off for being an ass. I've been in this situation before, as both the ex and the friend waiting to pounce. You're annoying.


Stop telling me about your alcohol consumption. I don't care how drunk you are, unless you're puking in my shoes or otherwise damaging my property. I don't go to parties so I don't have to deal with this behavior, so keep it there.


I don't actually care that much about this, but I'd like it if you started spelling things correctly. I concede you have every right to spell things awfully, even in important emails because if you want to ruin your career or whatever thing you're emailing about that's your prerogative. But know that I will lose a little respect for you. Tastefully misspelled words? I'll accept. (Example: I see what you did thar.) But abbreviating as many words as you can into one or two letters grates against my sense of aesthetics.  Yes, I love good grammar and spelling. At least it's not a fetish. Punctuation and good grammar can enhance the meaning of a statement, and help so much with articulating. Use it!


Don't tell me every detail of your life. If I want to know, I'll ask. I like hearing about funny or interesting things that happen in your life, not what classes you have and when you're working. Or anything mundane about your pet. Congratulations, you have a dog, so do I. I don't care to hear about the wonders of owning one because, guess what? I have one. A good status involving a pet? Tell me about how Mittens is sleeping in the bathroom sink or doing something equally strange.


Stop making passive-aggressive statuses clearly directed at someone who you're mad at or who has "hurt" you. You're being immature and broadcasting that immaturity to the world. "Some people are such jerks sometimes." Isn't really that subtle a statement anyways. I don't know if I've actually seen that one, but I'm pretty sure it's happened. If you have a beef with someone, then confront that person or just get over it.


If you have funny, relevant statuses (you don't even need to be funny every time, as long as you're not moronic and terribly boring all the time; everyone has their off days), I like having you in my news feed. Even if we don't interact that much in real life, I'll consider you an alright person. Maybe a good person if you're especially funny.