Guess who wrote a book?

First, I'm not responsible for any emotional scarring that happens as a result of anything you learn about here. Read on at your own risk.

Snooki

She wrote a book. Not a memoir, or autobiography, which I would accept because I'm sure she has an interesting life. No, she wrote a FICTION. A story she made up. Guess what it's about? That's right. It's called "A Shore Thing" and it details the life of two young women partying it up on the shore (or whatever they call that area, I wouldn't know). Here's the summary:

It’s a summer to remember . . . at the Jersey Shore.

Giovanna “Gia” Spumanti and her cousin Isabella “Bella” Rizzoli are going to have the sexiest summer ever. While they couldn’t be more different—pint-size Gia is a carefree, outspoken party girl and Bella is a tall, slender athlete who always holds her tongue—for the next month they’re ready to pouf up their hair, put on their stilettos, and soak up all that Seaside Heights, New Jersey, has to offer: hot guidos, cool clubs, fried Oreos, and lots of tequila.

So far, Gia’s summer is on fire. Between nearly burning down their rented bungalow, inventing the popular “tan-tags” at the Tantastic Salon where she works, and rescuing a shark on the beach, she becomes a local celebrity overnight. Luckily, she meets the perfect guy to help her keep the flames under control. Firefighter Frank Rossi is exactly her type: big, tan, and Italian. But is he tough enough to handle Gia when things really heat up?

Bella is more than ready for some fun in the sun. Finally free of her bonehead ex-boyfriend, she left home in Brooklyn with one goal in mind: hooking up with a sexy gorilla for a no-strings-attached summer fling. In no time, she lands a job leading “Beat Up the Beat” dance classes at a local gym, and is scooped up by Beemer-driving, preppy Bender Newberry. Only problem: Bella can’t get her romantic and ripped boss Tony “Trouble” Troublino out of her head. He’s relationship material. Suddenly, Bella’s not sure what she wants.

The cousins soon realize that for every friend they make on the boardwalk, there are also rivals, slummers, and frenemies who will do anything to ruin their summer—and try their relationship. Before July ends, the bonds of family and friendship will be stretched to the breaking point. Will the haters prevail, or will Gia and Bella find love at the Shore?

For everyone who loves MTV’s hit reality show, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi’s sweet, funny, and sexy novel perfectly captures the heat, the energy, the fun, and the drama of Jersey Shore.*

 Not only does it look like something an amateur "writer" from middle school would write, it has someone named Bella in it. I actually have nothing against the name Bella, I just predict that she's a complete Mary Sue. The description certainly points to that. There are a couple things about this description that sadden and/or amuse me greatly. Other than, you know, my opinion that anything to do with that show will greatly reduce anyone's intelligence.

• The cousins. They're different as can be. This is the most obvious setup to a main character conflict you can do, outside of making them siblings. Or, it's a ploy to attract more readers; party types and reserved people. Please, be original and realistic. Yes, opposites do attract sometimes, but for in most situations relationships (romantic, familial, platonic) happen and grow because of shared interests and traits. You don't have to only interact with clones of yourself, but you gotta have something in common. And I don't count family. That's just being forced to interact with someone. (Just most of us actually like our family.)
• What are these "tan-tags"? Of course this is about tanning.
• Italian is a type? I know, girls like European men, or guys are into Asian women. But, the Asian-women interest is usually considered creepy. In fact, guys having any preference about girls other than "decent-looking" seems to be considered creepy, from what I've observed. It should be just as creepy when girls do it. "Oh, your ancestors are from that place shaped like a shoe. That's so hot." I admit, I have a thing for New Zealand/British accents, but I realize that's a somewhat shallow preference, and belongs in the same part of my mind that wanted a guy who's really rich, or would give me a unicorn. And, it's not like this guy works for her affection! He's Italian, so he's got an in.
• I didn't know gorilla was a term for hunk. Actually, according to UrbanDictionary, my highly accurate source for understanding pop culture, it is first defined as a derogatory term for a large black man, then a strange sex act, then a really buff, muscular person. I don't think it's a very flattering term, personally.
• "Beat Up the Beat" dance classes, really? I understand this all about the Jersey Shore, but that's like having Harry Potter start a wizard-role-playing club. For Muggles. And calling it "Lumos" or "Expecto Patronum." Wow.

Beat up the beat: to fist pump, starting out by drum-rolling on the floor, working your way up to full on creeped out fist-pumping in a Jersey Shore club or bar with all your guido and guidette pals. Can only be done to house music while in a trashy outfit for girls, Ed Hardy clothing for guys, complete with a fake tan, and in girls' case, a Snooki-esque pouf or blonde and black extensions like JWoww's. Can be taken to the next level by fist-pumping while switching your legs back and forth to the beat.**

• Who's trying to ruin their summer? Why do they care? Sure, Gia sounds annoying as hell with her "Oh, we're going to have a sexy summer, make our hair twice as big as it really is, drink lots, and have fried Oreos." but if I ran across her, I wouldn't try to ruin her summer, I'd stand back and watch the train wreck. A lot less work, just as much amusement, and no guilt afterwords. Jane Austen version: "Oh, Isabella, let us prepare for a wonderful evening in town. We shall shape our hair in the most popular pouf style, sup on the finest delicacies of tequila and deep-fried oreos, and find some handsome gentlemen to help us home in our impractical shoes."
• What is a "frenemy" anyhow? According to UrbanDictionary, it's an enemy disguised as a friend. We had to make up a word for that. It sounds like this is also an easy way to set up some sort of conflict.
• The alliterations. Firefighter Frank. Beemer-driving Bender. Tony "Trouble" Troublino (his last name even sounds kinda like 'trouble'). Troublino doesn't sound like a last name at all. I'm assuming it's supposed to be Italian, and I'll admit I'm a very white girl, but I took Italian. That doesn't like any Italian word I've ever seen. Be less obvious about how you thought of your names.
• This is not a sexy novel. A sexy novel is a novel that I thoroughly enjoy reading and feel good about reading. Like, I dunno, Lolita (don't judge me, I know it's a creepy book but it's a good book), or Tale of Genji. If someone I knew read this (and thought it was legitimately good) I would run away screaming. Or point and laugh. This is not a sexy novel, this is something you read for instant gratification. Instant gratification isn't sexy; be honest about what you're getting from this book. If someone I knew read this and told me he/she read it expecting it to be bad, I wouldn't lose respect for that person.

Bottom line is, I want to read this book for the same reason I wanted to read Bedded By Her Lord. not to better my mind, but because it sounds hilariously awful. I'll most likely spend a couple hours in Borders so I don't have to spend money on this.

*Summary from the book description on Amazon.com. Check out this review. It pretty much sums everything up.

**Definition of "beat up the beat" found on Urbandictionary.com